Today’s blog post is going to be a bit personal…. but as always I’m sharing to spread awareness and to let you in my life..
When I was 16 I got pregnant. Not on purpose and very unexpected. I was so scared I never wanted my period to come so bad… I remember telling my best friend at the time that I needed to take a test. We go to CVS and I swear that I thought that the WHOLE store was looking at me. I was so embarrassed to buy that test. So I pick up the test that shows the symbols to tell if you are pregnant or not and I remember saying to my best friend “how accurate can these symbols be”. So I put that one back and got the digital clear blue one with three test that say “pregnant or not pregnant. I felt like such a little girl walking up to that counter (which I was). I wanted to throw the money on the counter and run out of there as fast as I can.
To be honest by the time I actually got the test I was already a month late. I’m NEVER that late and I know my body but I was in denial because I never imagined being THAT GIRL, you know the one that walks through the hallways of high school pregnant as hell while everyone stares at her, yea, that girl. The test read POSITIVE. I became THAT GIRL. My heart dropped to my ass and all I could do was cry… I sat on the edge of the tub with my face in my hands and cried. I finally had the confirmation and I had no idea what I was going to do next. I told the father, who wasn’t supportive at all which at the time really, really pissed me off but now that I’m older I realized that he was probably just as scared as me. At that moment I thought that I was in it alone.
I considered an abortion but I had no idea how to get one, too scared to even inquire about one, and quite frankly I always told myself that I would never get one but its amazing what fear makes us consider/do. I had dragged my feet so long that abortion eventually wasn’t an option for me. The only people that knew that I was pregnant was my best friend and the father. I was too scared to tell anyone else. At this point I’m like 4 months so I was starting to show a bit. My mom would randomly ask me if I was pregnant (little naive me thought I would never show). I don’t know exactly when I planned on telling my mom. I actually considered hiding the baby until it was time to deliver ( Again, I was naive). When she would ask me I would say no and run to my room.
One day I had to get a physical for school and as the doctor is examining me she feels my abdomen. She has a puzzled look on her face as she takes longer than normal to examine me. She didn’t say anything and left the room. I thought I was a genius and fooled the doctor. She comes back and calls me out of the room. She says “While I was doing my exam I felt something. For a quick moment I thought you had a tumor and then I realized that you are pregnant”. UH OH! She was like “who you like to tell your mom or do you want me to tell her?” I quickly told her “Oh, I’ll tell her when we get home”. I had no intentions of telling her and I think the doctor knew that because she didn’t give me that option.
We walk back into the room and she says “mom, I think Jamie has something to tell you”. I felt like someone stole my tongue. All of a sudden I couldn’t speak. My mom said “what? Do you have VD?” I shake my head no. She then says “are you pregnant”? I nodded. She covered her mouth and I prepared for a cuss out. To my surprise she didn’t cuss me out (maybe she saw the fear in my eyes or maybe she already knew) she actually embraced and was concerned that I went so long with out medical care. She then goes “oh you must be starving”. She took me to get something to eat and we talked. Everything was going good. I was finally content and accepted the fact that I was going to be a mother, a young mother but still a mother.
One day I’m at my summer job and I remember thinking that the baby didn’t move that much that day but I wasn’t’ too worried because I had a doctors appointment the next day. The next day we get to the doctors and she is using the Doppler so that we can listen to the baby’s heartbeat which is what we always do when I had a prenatal appointment. The doctor is moving the doppler all over my stomach but couldn’t find my baby’s heartbeat. I was getting a little nervous. She never found it and told me to go to the hospital so that I can get a sonogram. My mom and I were praying the whole ride to the hospital. We go into labor and delivery and a male doctor is giving me a sonogram. He’s looking and looking and then tells me that he doesn’t detect a heartbeat and is going to get someone else to get a second opinion. My mom and I are now praying for a miracle at this point. Another doctor comes in and confirms that my baby passed away.
At this point there are about 4 doctors/nurses in my room plus my mom and yet I felt SO ALONE. I has JUST accepted the fact that I was pregnant and was starting to get excited and then BAM just like that it felt like my baby was snatched away from me. The doctor told me that they didn’t know why my bay died and that I would have to deliver to find out and if there is no obvious signs then they would have to do an autopsy to find the cause of death.
The told me that they would have to induce me. They also told me that I could go home to process the news and come back. I opted to just stay and start the process. I was 8 months. I cried for the remainder of the day. The next day I called everyone who I had invited to the shower to let them know there would be no more baby shower because there was no more baby. While in labor I became fixated on what killed my baby. I got my answer. It was finally time to push. Everyone went from having this excited look on their faces from seeing the baby’s head to looks of shock and hurt my aunt actually said “Oh my God”. Even the doctor had a a look on her face that I couldn’t even describe to you. Everyone was too much in shock to notice me looking at them. At that moment my heart broke. I had no idea what everyone was looking at but I knew that it was very bad. At that moment I just laid my head back and expected the worse. The doctor let me know that the umbilical cord was wrapped around my son’s neck 6 times. I could see her arm unwrapping the cord as she counted.
My world came crashing down. I didn’t know what I did to deserve this. I wondered how long my son must have suffered. I blamed myself. How could I not know what was happening in my own body? How could I not protect him? Why didn’t I notice sooner?
I held him tight and close and begged God to let him wake up. I never prayed so hard in my life. The doctors placed me in a room that had a white rose outside of the door to let everyone know I was grieving. One of the nurses told me that they picked the room because it was far enough from the other rooms so I didn’t have to hear other babies crying. I kept him in the room with me for as long as I could, still praying for a miracle. For my last goodbye I kissed his forehead and he was so cold. I knew at that moment that no amount of prayer would help me. We had a little ceremony in the chapel at the hospital and I had him cremated.
At the time I thought I was the only person to go through this. It wasn’t until I spoke with other people who had experienced stillbirths as well that I realized that I wasn’t alone. Hearing other people stories helped me deal with the pain. It let me know that I can get through the loss. It let me know that the pain that I was feeling would lighten.
Now I have two healthy happy babies and I cherish them so much because I know what it’s like to lose a child and I am hoping my son is in heaven smiling at me (he would’ve been 9 this year).
After his death I made a promise to myself that I will use this as a push to be the best me possible. I stop questioning why such a tragedy happened and used it as motivation to never stop persevering. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone! Losing a child is so hard. For anyone who has been through this or knows someone who is, just know you are not alone. I now realize that everything happens for a reason and God makes no mistakes.
RIP Jashaad. Thank you to all those who let me cry on your shoulder during this time!
Thank you for stopping by!